ON MARRIAGE

My husband and I went away for our 10 year wedding anniversary last week, on a family holiday with our two boys. We had a magical time, it was the best holiday we have had as a family to date.

But the funny thing about big milestones is the insistence of introspection they bring. So, I’m sitting here the night before our 10 year wedding anniversary, wondering whether I’ve done enough to celebrate this milestone. My mind wanders a bit further, and soon I am thinking about whether I invest enough timeand energy into our relationship. For the age and stage of our little family, I think the answer is yes. I do invest ‘enough’ time and energy. But for a marriage outside of a young family, I think the answer is that I don’t.

That’s a confronting sentence to write on the eve of a milestone wedding anniversary. But it is the truth.

3 years ago we were celebrating our 10 year total anniversary. I was pregnant with our firstborn, and we must have celebrated it well. Although truth be told, I can’t recall what we actually did. We are usually quite mindful and thoughtful about our relationship though, so I would guess something meaningful occurred. I think back to what we were doing in those days, and I would hazard a guess of Indian food around the corner from the little terrace in Sydney that we lived in. Chicken Tikka Masala for him, Malai Kofta for me, a serve of roti, a toast to ourselves, a barrage of memories shared back and forth, and focus on our soon to be created little family. Yes, I reckon that’s likely what we did. We had so much more time back then. Time for long work days, and friends, time for pointless pursuits that were flippant and fun. Time for long chats and the type of coaching we were getting good at practicing on each other, as we made sense of our past, our relationships, our childhood and drew connections to how we wanted life to be for ourselves, our lives, our own little family.

We still do that last part, the understanding/listening/connecting/conscious choosing of what we want to create for ourselves, our lives and our family. But we almost never have ‘enough’ time. We simply don’t have time to burn anymore. It’s far too precious. It must be thoughtfully invested and carefully balanced, so that there is petrol in the tank to make sure ‘kind mummy/daddy’ is up and about in wee hours of the morning if required. Which, it seems, is still a regular enough occurrence that I account for it!

So on the eve of our double digits wedding anniversary, what do I think is the part of our marriage that is the most important to me? I think that it is being able to do hard things, together. We have built a trust in each other that is second to none. I have no hesitation in complete vulnerability with him. I trust him to tell me the truth. Even when it’s hard. Ugly. More importantly, I trust him when times are tough. Before I have executed every hard decision I have made in the past 13 years, I have checked in with him. Is this right. Am I missing something. His answers have allowed me to find my way to what is right for me. Even when it is hard, especially when it is hard.

So, we might not get quite enough time together during these oh-so-busy years, and I might miss just being with him like the old days, quite regularly. But I trust us. I trust that we will find our way back when there is more time. Until then, we’ll high five as we pass each other in our hallway, and meet each other on the couch with a G&T and a quick check-in before we binge watch our next favourite show on Netflix.

Happy 10 year wedding anniversary my love. May our next ten years be as wonderful as you.

How do you celebrate your anniversaries?

Also, to my friends who identify as LGBTIQ and who would like their relationship to be formalised or recognised as a marriage or legal union, and who can’t. I am so sorry that you do not have this basic civil right. I will march, I will protest and I will stand in solidarity with you, until such time that you can have the same freedom of choice that I did/do.